My Brain Finally Rotted

Brain rot: Mindless digital content; the fixation on it and harmful mental effects of it (Merriam Webster)

The last time I think I had some semblance of proper functioning capacity of my brain, I was a sophomore in high school. I loved math with a passion, I existed on the internet only to rant on a spam page and make YouTube vlogs documenting my life. Covid gave me way too much free time, home schooling killed my desire for true learning, and my addiction to my phone grew beyond manageable.

I've always been an iPad kid. Silly enough, I think I'm patient zero for that term. I had a tablet called a Nabi, when I was in elementary school along with an iPod, and a laptop (acquired in 4th grad I believe). The Nabi broke down, the laptop got replaced with a Chromebook, the iPod replaced with a phone, and we were off to the races with unlimited internet access. Even then though, I never used my devices at a high frequency. I never had Kik or Vine, I barely watched YouTube outside of makeup tutorials or making (now privated) videos, and I didn't have any social media platforms except for a Musical.ly that my mom forced me to delete (I couldn't completely, so I deleted all of my videos and blackened my PFP).

I never saw the full effects of social media, phone addiction, etc until now. I always knew it was bad for you in large quantities, but on the other side of it, spending my early adulthood Gorilla glued to a screen was quite damaging on the brain, on my dopamine receptors, on my emotional welfare. There's an emptiness you feel when you scroll. I've encountered "break" videos where it tells you to stop scrolling or drink some water. The most insightful of them asked me something like "what are you scrolling to find?" Honestly, I don't know. I'm looking to fill this stimulus void that makes my head feel fuzzy and light, with colors and a whiplash of emotions at my finger tips. It's such a rush to scratch that itch. To find that specific form of media that touches who you are and says I see you too. Platforms like TikTok, etc. feel like the lottery, you never know what video you could stumble upon, but you'll never know you don't keep scrolling, looking, searching.

I am addicted to social media. I used excuses like I have to know everything that's happening for my job working in social and digital media. The truth is you don't really need to. Short lived trends are great for quick turn around content and don't matter as much if you miss it, mega viral trends will still be around and make sense by the time the average person sees them, as long as i'm somewhere in between that I'm ok. Often however, I have to know everything. There's a compulsion or two wrapped up in there, the desire to use up and know every piece of media. Being rewarded in the compulsion with dopamine because chaching! I won the lottery, again and again I got the right numbers and the jackpot is all mine.. for five seconds. Then I'm left with this hole in my chest, and I'm off to searching for my next perfect scratch off.

Now however, after 6 years of deep internet access, unchecked because we were "home together" during Covid and I became a full fledged adult soon after that. No checks, no self control, and an inability to part ways with a screen for longer than an hour. Having full on breakdowns when my device broke for any reason and freaking out if I could not log into a social media account. Losing my mind with "______ down" being a constant search on my Twitter account to make sure it wasn't just me unable to access *insert* social site. I finally can't take it anymore. The drug doesn't hit anymore. No matter the dosage, I still feel empty. Constantly disoriented and lost, regretting using the social site because it feels like true relapse every time I find myself sucked back in. Even with the screen time protocols on my phone I still lose myself. Woe is me yes, but truly it's terrifying. 'Overstimulatingly underwhelmed' is the best way I could put coming out of the trance. Deep Withdrawals.

I create physical media outside of my phone and technology yes. I've always enjoyed staring at art, predating my Nabi. It does call into question however, the issue when others confront it as well. Gen Alpha only knows the internet, how do you find that similar stimulation outside of such? I know who I was before the void; I'm searching for the adult version of that self now. But it is concerning, who will they become when the hits wear off and nothing can replicate it anymore?

I don't regret all of the time I've spent on the internet, the friends I've made in other states, the things I've learned about the world, but I do wish I spent more time in front of me as opposed to glass and light. We are not meant to be this connected to every person on the planet.